Lily's 5 month birthday....

I posted this on Lily's Facebook page (Never Forget Lily Grace) this past Friday, 1/11/13 which was her 5 month birthday:  How it feels to lose a child.. I wrote this less than one month after my baby Lily Grace became an angel. She would be 5 months old today and for some reason.. I felt that I should share it again.. Lily has a lot more friends now so many of you did not see this original post.. Here it goes: 

HOW IT FEELS To LOSE A CHILD: 
I'm going to try & describe how it feels to lose a child since some people have asked how I'm doing & how I feel: for me, losing Lily caused physical and emotional pain. The minute Lily passed was physically painful beyond words..

It felt like someone took out my insides (not just my heart), threw it on the ground, chopped it up into a million pieces and had an inexperienced, crappy seamstress sew me back up. It even hurt to breathe or rather it was hard to catch your breath like when her last breath was taken.. It took my breath away. I still feel that loss of breath or pain at times too.

I can see Lily in my arms with her right eye open peeking at me while she took her last breaths.. I can picture her gasping to take her last few breaths.. I can't get that image out of my mind sometimes. I cry uncontrollably at times but not really around people.

I cry in front of people yes but the really painful, deep cries usually happen alone or Ricky may have seen it. You feel guilty to feel happiness when you do feel the happiness. I think about her all the time and I'll hold myself together for awhile but it doesn't last..... little things, things that I wouldn't expect make me think of that day or Lily so I cry.

People don't make me cry- I'm always on the tipping point. I cry or feel sadness because I miss her so much. I have anxiety, get overwhelmed easily.. That's how I feel but my doctor said what I'm feeling is normal for the huge loss I've experienced. That's how it feels and maybe it's different for other people but that's how it felt to me & I hope you never go through this.. Ever.

I do have peace in my heart because I (and my family, the nurses, doctors, etc) did everything possible to make that day as peaceful of a journey for Lily as possible and I gave her life plus a chance.. I never gave up on her and neither did anyone else. We all love her so much.. Please don't imagine that I'm emotionally unstable at this minute as I write this because I am not.. This is just how it feels

**Now today on 1/11/13... it is now a few months later and I remember this like it was yesterday! Lily.. you would be 5 months old today and I am having a hard time with the fact that you are not turning 5 months old today on earth but rather in heaven. I know you are in a wonderful place but months later.. I still want you here, in my arms.. for me to take care of you. I imagine what you would be doing, your personality, what you would look like.. I imagine that we would have been getting ready for your second open heart surgery that so many other kids before and after you do.. but why you didn't make it.. I'll never know. I know that God has a plan Lily but.. I want you here.. sorry God. :) Lily.. you know I talk to God a lot about this..

I would have been the best Mom to you that I could have been.. I love you so much just like I love your brothers and sisters. It was really painful to lose you and it still is.. So many people have found you and I vowed when I let you go that day.. that you would not be alone and that you would never be forgotten.. We are all working hard to do that Lily. We loved putting hairbows on you Lily and who knew that hairbows would make other people so happy or even bring so many people together..

You had a big purpose here on earth Lily and every day.. little bit by little bit.. we are finding that purpose out.. I miss you so much and wish I could just kiss you, look into your eyes like we always did, hold your hand, touch your beautiful hair, talk to you, sing to you.. tell you I love you with you right in front of me.. I miss so much about you- who you were, what you meant to me, and everything I missed out on..

Continue to watch over us Lily as we need you still.. we know that you are our angel- you were an angel here on earth with us and you are an angel in heaven now.. Always loved! Forever missed! Never forgotten sweet baby Lily.. kisses and hugs from earth ♥ Happy 5 month birthday Lilybug..

Love.. your Mommy ♥