Sunday, January 20, 2013

Let's talk about Firsts...

Posted today 1/20/13 on Lily's Facebook page "Never Forget Lily Grace":  
Let's talk about "The First" anything after you lose someone.... What do I mean by "The First".. for a grieving parent- the first: baby shower that you go to or are asked to attend, baby shower that you are asked to host, 1st birthday party of another child that you are asked to attend, going to the hospital to visit a new baby that was just born, holidays without your loved one, their next birthday and every birthday after that they are no longer here to celebrate with you....

...heck.. what about other things that some people may not think about..the first: time you have to go into a store or restaurant after you lose your loved one, you have to drive on your own, you have to face the hospital or place where you lost your loved one (for some it is not even the same hospital... any hospital represents what happens), time you are asked to hold a brand new baby after you lose yours, go back to work, go to a big function with a lot of people, parties in general...

For someone that loses a spouse it could be their first: anniversary party they are asked to attend, graduation of their child, wedding of their own child, wedding of another child because of the symbol of marriage, the first time they have to pay bills without the support from their spouse, the first time they vacation without their spouse, even going shopping, to the movies, going out to eat... things they used to do with their spouse..anything..

My "first time" facing the public: I remember when we were looking for a cemetery for Lily and we got hungry so we stopped at Chick-Fil-A... it shouldn't have been an issue because I have been here many, many times before but I really could have gone into a full blown panic/ anxiety attack by just going there "What if I see someone I know.. this the first time I have to face people outside of my little world since Lily passed away..there are so many people.. it is hard to breathe.. I need to get out of here.. ".. who would have thought? Not me.. It was just Chick-Fil-A??? :(

By the way, I have never had an anxiety/panic attack but since the second I have lost Lily.. I think I have come close so many times.. but I know that I am not alone or at least from other grieving people that I have talked too..

For me.. I am trying to face everything head on and it is not easy but is it ever going to get easy?? No.. so as hard as it may be.. I am doing it. The first time I drove myself back into the garage at Kosair and walked through those doors... wow.. UNBELIEVABLY HARD... but I did it. I found a way to go back two months to the day that Lily passed away... We take the hairbows and for me.. it helps me to face some of the scariest situations that I need to face.. The hairbows helped me have some joy on such a hard day.. I found a way to bring some positive into such a hard day.. it was HARD.. no lie.. I cried but I did it.. I didn't want to wait until I had to take my child or go visit someone else's child at the Children's hospital when they were sick.. that would have been disastrous for me...

I went to my sister-n-law's baby shower for her little girl (that is due today by the way)... that was VERY hard but I did it.. I cried.. but I did it.. I was scared but I did it.. I went to my first "birthday party for a child turning one" yesterday... it was hard.. but I did it.. I cried but I did it.. When we face these things there are so many emotions that go through us.. "my child should be here, my child will never have a "first" birthday (or heck I may feel that way about every age.. 2nd, 3rd, 10th, 16th, etc around the time that she would be that age), I should be getting a baby sitter for my Lily so I could attend this, "Look at that baby over there..she is around Lily's age (for me.. infants up to how old she should be are hard for me now.. I thought it would progress to what her age is but no... now more babies make me sad)..

I just wanted to share one more glimpse into what grieving people go through in their daily life.. it is not just our loved one/ child's "first birthday, first Christmas, first holiday, first this or that.." that we are missing out on.. so many other things are hard for us because that should be us... our past, present, and future is forever changed when we lose someone so special to us.. it effects so much more... ♥

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