I received a nice note from the cardiologist today and he gave us an update on Lily's autopsy.. which was nice but it just made me extremely sad.. like heart hurting sad. I am guessing that we will still meet about the results but I guess no big answers from what I understand. "Ravages of poor perfusion and the documentation
that Lily had multiple organ failure that was as bad as we suspected.." I learned that poor perfusion is poor blood circulation throughout her body (if I am saying that correct).
I knew that we would hear something about her autopsy one day and I have been anxious to hear.. it just doesn't make it easier to hear. It just made me think of her poor body with bad circulation and each organ shutting down.. one at a time.. it just makes me beyond sad. She had strong heart echos and appeared to have strong heart function from what I understood so Lily is just a puzzle.. to me at least. So I am just trying to understand if her function was strong then how can she have poor perfusion?? Hopefully we will still meet and have that discussion.
Am I shocked by what was written or that we really may never know why.. no. I knew that could be the outcome. I just didn't realize how sad hearing some of her autopsy results would make me. I am already so sad.. this is like a deeper sad today which happens to me sometimes.. I was just caught off guard. (The cardiologist did nothing wrong as I appreciate the note.. I am just a grieving Mom.. that's all.. promise).
No one should ever have the word autopsy and the name of their child in the same sentence.. never.. it is not right. It is just not right. :(
Lastly, Makayla and I were working on a project- we went downstairs to get something for her project when she stopped at Lily's picture.. she stopped and said "hi Lily" and then she leaned in and kissed her picture. Makayla has NEVER done this before. Then she did the same thing to a more pictures that we have of Lily. She then had me do it (which I do a lot). It just made my heart even sadder.. so sweet.. but so sad that we have to kiss our baby through a picture....
I knew that we would hear something about her autopsy one day and I have been anxious to hear.. it just doesn't make it easier to hear. It just made me think of her poor body with bad circulation and each organ shutting down.. one at a time.. it just makes me beyond sad. She had strong heart echos and appeared to have strong heart function from what I understood so Lily is just a puzzle.. to me at least. So I am just trying to understand if her function was strong then how can she have poor perfusion?? Hopefully we will still meet and have that discussion.
Am I shocked by what was written or that we really may never know why.. no. I knew that could be the outcome. I just didn't realize how sad hearing some of her autopsy results would make me. I am already so sad.. this is like a deeper sad today which happens to me sometimes.. I was just caught off guard. (The cardiologist did nothing wrong as I appreciate the note.. I am just a grieving Mom.. that's all.. promise).
No one should ever have the word autopsy and the name of their child in the same sentence.. never.. it is not right. It is just not right. :(
Lastly, Makayla and I were working on a project- we went downstairs to get something for her project when she stopped at Lily's picture.. she stopped and said "hi Lily" and then she leaned in and kissed her picture. Makayla has NEVER done this before. Then she did the same thing to a more pictures that we have of Lily. She then had me do it (which I do a lot). It just made my heart even sadder.. so sweet.. but so sad that we have to kiss our baby through a picture....
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