I was VERY emotional this morning as knowing that Lily passed away 2 months ago today is very hard for me to deal with and quite honestly.. even comprehend. My sweet Lily was worth every tear that I have shed and I bet that my tears could feel a lake from when I was pregnant and received her diagnosis up until now- 2 months after she became an angel. I just love my children more than life itself and to lose one of them is the worst feeling that you can endure.
Today we challenged everyone to do something nice for someone else and I hope everyone accepted and completed this challenge. I did. :) My family and I went to Kosair and not only did I take hairbows to the precious children but I also gave much deserved and overdue thank you gifts to many staff members. I know that some staff did not receive something but it was so hard to remember everyone's name that took care of Lily. I am grateful to every single person that took even one minute to care for my sweet Lily and I would never leave anyone out on purpose.... forever grateful! I'm just lucky to put one foot in front of the other sometimes so this was huge for me to actually get everything together, organize everything, and remember as much as I did without leaving anything home.. :) **Big HUGE thanks to my family and friends for helping with the hairbows and going today to give them out too. Thank you for making so many beautiful hairbows as I know each one was made with so much love and that love was passed to the children that received the hairbows**
So if you are curious.. this is how it felt: This morning.. just driving on the highway that would take me to Kosair made me extremely emotional and anxious. So sad and heart broken this morning. I talked about Lily a lot today (thank you healthcare professionals) and that did help me plus I cried even more (thank you again healthcare professionals)! So many tears shed and that was before lunch. So fast forward to my trip to Kosair.. I was actually okay but the traffic helped as a distraction until... I pulled up to the parking garage. I pulled in and I have never had an anxiety/ panic attack but I think I know what it kind of feels like now. It was hard to breathe like my chest was tight and I just cried.. and cried.. and cried.. like hyperventilating-needing to take your contacts out and clean them.. put them back in kind of cry. I lost it some more and some more.
Then I got on the elevator and I was okay.. walked through the doors okay too but my mind was on a mission for the hairbows. I went into the NICU first and the first room was the High Tech room where Lily lived for her first 5 days.. I started to no longer be fine at this point. It was so bittersweet.. felt at home almost to be there and so happy to give out the hairbows yet SO sad because my Lily should be here almost ready to go home. There was a little baby girl in Lily's old spot (#6 I think they called it) and seeing that spot filled with another baby was VERY hard. So I walk to #6 and the babies parents were there holding her. I tried to talk but I was so emotional and cried so much that it was hard to get my talk about Lily out. Let's just say that I received A LOT of hugs tonight. :) The babies Dad hugged me because I became a wreck. Then nurses hugged me along the way too and multiple other staff members too. I even got to see a few babies with the hairbows on and that just made my heart so happy.
So I pulled myself together and we continued to give out hairbows. Whew.. then I went up to the next floor to the PICU and I really lost it emotionally as I stepped off the elevator. That was INCREDIBLY hard because this is the floor where Lily lived her last days, where we lived for awhile essentially, where she became an angel in my arms, and where I left her in the arms of a nurse (Alison) after I held her for hours after she passed away. So this was VERY difficult to take in but I pulled it together and then I met with some EXCEPTIONAL staff that took care of Lily so I cried some more but... this was good for me.
You see.. I feel that the staff at Kosair really loved Lily. The staff kind of became a part of our family in a way because they were so much a part of Lily's life when she was alive and even when she passed away. I never was able to take Lily home or do many things that a mother should get to do for their child but Kosair helped me be as much of a Mom to Lily as I could be. They will never know how grateful I am to them. Thank you to everyone at Kosair who talked to Lily, touched Lily, loved on Lily, sang to Lily, gave advice to Lily's family, encouraged Lily's Mom (me) to get some sleep so she didn't get NICU/ PICU insanity, respected Lily's family, and took pure joy in taking care of Lily.. thank you! It was an honor to give out hairbows tonight and I hope it helped make other people feel just as good as it made my heart feel tonight.
I know that this doesn't make me better and who knows how I will feel tomorrow but for tonight on such a hard, hard day.. I have some peace in my heart. Even if it is for a few minutes or maybe one night.. I'll take it because I haven't had this kind of peace in my heart for 2 months. Seeing the staff and families appreciative or even excited for our hairbows made me happy and I like making other people happy. It made my heart feel somewhat better if that makes sense. Now I am still an emotional wreck for missing Lily but... doing good for others did something good for me. Thank you everyone for your support and prayers today! I'm done sweet baby Lily Grace with today's challenge!
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