Hard day Lily.. Miss you more than words can describe..

For those not on Facebook- here is what I just posted on Lily's page "Never Forget Lily Grace":

Hello everyone.  So today has been really hard for me.  It started off hard and then some things happened that made it harder.  Someone, out of the kindness of their heart, that did not know about Lily being sick or passing away asked me "How is your baby"?  It was really nice of them to ask and I know this will happen.  I can usually respond but today.. I couldn't.  I could not even get one word out of my mouth.

My eyes filled with tears instantly and I knew if I said one sound that I was going to lose it.  So I gestured for my boss to respond for me and he did.. thank goodness.  It has just been an emotional day.  Lily would be 2 months old this Thursday so maybe that is why I am having a hard time.  I went to work and functioned but sometimes it is just so hard.  I would describe it as if I feel like an egg- hard shell on the outside but very fragile on the inside and it doesn't take much for me to crack.  (I don't want people to avoid me or avoid talking about Lily though because I LOVE talking about all of my kids.. I just have a harder time sometimes but that is no reason to avoid the topic).  Some seconds, minutes, hours, days..etc are easier than others.  I never know when that moment will happen.. it just happens.

Also, we just received the proof for Lily's headstone this past Friday.  No one should ever have to order a headstone for their child.  So I went to see Lily and talked to her for awhile with her.  I just lost it.. the tears could have flooded babyland at Evergreen.  So for some reason I went through and read each baby headstone and said hi to each and every baby there.  I felt like I was saying hi to her friends per se.  That started to give me peace.. it just did.  When I was ready to leave I said Lily.. please Lily.. give me a sign.. say something.. anything.  As I was walking back to the car my phone rang and it was Kosair scheduling a time for me to bring our first batch of hairbows to donate to Kosair.  We go Thursday October 25th.. I wonder if Lily had a hand in that call because I hope the hairbows bring some happiness to another sick child.. whew.. that's all for now.  I will leave you with this song: