I'm going to try & describe how it feels to lose a child since some people have asked how I'm doing & how I feel: for me, losing Lily caused physical and emotional pain. The minute Lily passed was physically painful beyond words.. It felt like someone took out my insides (not just my heart), threw it on the ground, chopped it up into a million pieces and had an inexperienced, crappy seamstress sew me back up. It even hurt to breathe or rather it was hard to catch your breath like when her last breath was taken.. It took my breath away. I still feel that loss of breath or pain at times too. I can see Lily in my arms with her right eye open peeking at me while she took her last breaths.. I can picture her gasping to take her last few breaths.. I can't get that image out of my mind sometimes. I cry uncontrollably at times but not really around people. I cry in front of people yes but the really painful, deep cries usually happen alone or Ricky may have seen it. You feel guilty to feel happiness when you do feel the happiness. I think about her all the time and I'll hold myself together for awhile but it doesn't last..... little things, things that I wouldn't expect make me think of that day or Lily so I cry. People don't make me cry- I'm always on the tipping point. I cry or feel sadness because I miss her so much. I have anxiety, get overwhelmed easily.. That's how I feel but my doctor said what I'm feeling is normal for the huge loss I've experienced. That's how it feels and maybe it's different for other people but that's how it felt to me & I hope you never go through this.. Ever. I do have peace in my heart because I (and my family, the nurses, doctors, etc) did everything possible to make that day as peaceful of a journey for Lily as possible and I gave her life plus a chance.. I never gave up on her and neither did anyone else. We all love her so much.. Please don't imagine that I'm emotionally unstable at this minute as I write this because I am not.. This is just how it feels
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The local newspaper, Courier Journal, opened up their story in todays paper for the Kentucky/ Indiana 2012 Heart Walk with the story of Lily Grace.. They took some of their words from her obituary because they called her Lillian... Lily Grace will never be forgotten ;) Love you baby girl
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Team Lily Grace for the 2012 Heart Walk in memory of our sweet Lily on 9/22/12
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I couldn't resist visiting Lily later on Saturday, September 15th. I got really emotional after leaving Hobby Lobby (hair ribbon trip) so Ethan, Blake, Makayla and I went & put this mini flag out that we bought for Lily. It was 8 pm & it was getting a little dark but I really needed to see her. Ethan, Blake, Makayla & I sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to Lily & gave her kisses (kiss our hand & then touch her memorial stone). It was really special. I just miss her so much and I just want her to come back so bad. We hope she likes her flag- it has a heart sunshine, heart flower, and lady bugs. We thought she would like it.
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